We have reached the end, of our text. The final chapter is "The Grey Havens" and I am again embarrassed to be reminded the Grey Havens are not across the Sea - it's just the port in Middle Earth that one takes there. Ah well.
We follow Frodo as he goes to Grey Havens. In usual Frodo fashion he tries to slip away. He tells Sam to join him on a journey not mentioning Sam will have to return without him. When they arrive, however, they are met by Merry and Pippin, who tell them Gandalf gave away Frodo's secret.
‘Yes,’ said Gandalf; ‘for it will be better to ride back three together
than one alone."
When Frodo and Gandalf (as well as Bilbo and many Elves) have sailed away:
At last the three companions turned away, and never again looking
back they rode slowly
homewards; and they spoke no word to one
another until they came back to the
Shire, but each had great comfort
in his friends on the long grey road.
Everything in life is better with friends. When I was growing up a friend whom I emailed a lot with had this as his signature: "Shared with friends joy is doubled and sorrows are halved."
Friends are a critical support system for making the harder choice. Any sorrow resulting from your choice can be shared with others and not carried alone and any joy of course will be also multiplied. But also, have you ever met a good person with no friends? You may have - they exist. But the amount of good they can do is limited. Sometimes we can make the world better by acting. But sometimes we make the world better through our words - persuading people of one thing or another to change their actions. You are less likely to listen to someone who isn't your friend, and even less so if they have no friends.
But friends also provide support by rejuvenating us. Generally I think the text teaches that ethics is "doing the harder thing." By definition the harder thing takes more energy. But the harder choice isn't always the ethical one. That's why it's important to discuss with friends - so when we are faced with a hard choice we can determine if it is the kind of hard choice worth making. Friends can help us determine the right thing to do and give us the motivation to make that harder choice. And if we err our friends can point this out to us and support us in righting our past wrongs.
It is noteworthy on their way home the hobbits don't speak to each other but are comforted nonetheless; Their sorrows are reduced. We may think we need to do things with our friends, but this may miss the point. It's great to do that, and certainly doing things is better if you're with friends, but there's also something about just seeing and being with a friend.
We are so used to content being thrown in our face we think we need to compete with it - we hope our friend has a good enough time with us they'll want to come back. But this presents a "Like and Subscribe" aspect to friendship. Friends are not check-boxes to mark off, nor are they teachers giving us grades, nor clicks or views to accrue. They are other people we co-exist on this planet with. We're social creatures and we should make time for them for its own sake. We don't need to do something else so we can invite them.
So maybe it is the case friends are like check-boxes to mark off. You then should expect that mark to fade and need to be renewed. That analogy doesn't quite click for me, but I can't think of a great one, so let's get weird with it: Spending time with your friend is like drying off your hands with a towel. The towel will eventually airdry. When it's reached that point, reach out to them again.
We often want any time together to be an event. But that takes time and planning and energy - which is a harder thing. But that's not necessary to see friends. Just invite them over, or text them, or video call them, or hang out with them on Fortnight or some other virtual space. Be with them however works.
We assume others are busy and happy and if they aren't reaching out then that's on purpose, rather than an error of omission. "If my friends wanted to see me they'd ask to see me more often." But perhaps they are thinking this of you? And so this mutual deference leads to a drifting a part. An overbearing friend is unpleasant, but it's easier to negotiate because you're already talking. Silence, I have found, is the real killer. It's one thing I appreciate about Facebook - liking someone's post keeps us in touch in a simple, but tangible, way.
Find time for your friends. Being in the presence of others, even just sharing silence on the phone, connects us to them and the world at large. And while I do think it's important to make ethical choices for its own sake - I worry significantly about the personal and societal moral rot of reduced standards - ultimately the only reason to do the right thing is for the sake of the world and its most important inhabitants: Other people.
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