Trust in yourself, reach out to others.

(Late again.  I apologize.  For whatever that's worth...)

This week's chapter is called "Minas Tirith." We return to the plight of Pippin, Gandalf, and all of Gondor.  It is a lengthy chapter that covers several days.  It begins before the Rohirrim even return to Edoras, and ends at the moment the "The Ride of the Rohirrim" ends.  Our timeline is realigned.

Faramir returns from Ithilien, and he is shocked to see Pippin, another Halfling.  He tells Denethor, his father and the Steward of Gondor, Gandalf, and Pippin about his encounter with Frodo and Sam.  Gandalf is glad to have any news of them, though he despairs when he hears where Gollum is taking them.  Denethor is disappointed Faramir did not take the Ring.

It becomes immediately clear that Denethor and Faramir have a strained relationship.  Boromir is referred to often, and when Faramir asks if Denethor wishes Faramir had gone to Rivendell (And thus been part of the Fellowship, and thus died at Amon Hen), Denethor agrees with little emotion.

Before that, though, after Faramir has told his story, one of the first things he does is ask his father if he has done well.  Denethor is surprised at the question, "Or do you ask for my judgment on all your deeds?... It is long since you turned from your own way to my counsel."  That is to say, Faramir has recently been doing things his own way, and why is he only now asking approval?

As I have mentioned, I am working at a camp this summer.  I am a supervisor.  Earlier this week, I learned who my staff was.  One of the first things I told them was that I see our unit as a skateboard, and my part as the oil.  When is oil used on a skateboard?  When the wheels are squeaky.  Otherwise, the skateboard will go about its business.  Skateboards do not need much oil, and if too much is used, it is liable to slip.

Perhaps colored by my own experience as a counselor, I believe counselors work best when they are allowed room to shine and "do their thing." The supervisor should supervise but not micromanage;  Provide constant, specific feedback (positive & negative) but allow counselors to be successful or fail in the moment (so long as that failure is not egregious); Deliver schedules, structure, and all the "logistics" counselors need to thrive.  I provide them tools, guidance, and encouragement.  How the work is done is best left up to them.

I don't want my staff to ask for my judgment on everything.  I trust them.  They wouldn't be here if they had poor judgment.  Camp would work very inefficiently if I had to approve everything.  And besides - I want to instill a sense of agency and responsibility in my staff.  After all, isn't that how I rose up from a counselor to a supervisor?  I try very hard to not see my staff as cogs in my machine.

One of the things Denethor says that is tragic is "It is long since you turned from your own way to my counsel."  That makes the disagreement a power struggle - your idea VS my idea.  That is not productive.  I have many beliefs.  I have many habits.  I have many strategies to use when working with children.  They work for me.  They may not work for my staff.  They may not work for a particular situation.  If one of my counselors comes up with an idea that works better than mine, I would be happy to allow it, and maybe even add it to my repertoire.  We're here for the success of our campers - not to stroke our egos.  This is about what works best.

Sometimes wheels get squeaky because something went wrong.  A child got hurt because of poor supervision.  A cabin was not cleaned correctly because the counselors were unable to motivate the children.  A group of campers is consistently late from one activity to another.  Constructive criticism is required to correct the problem.

Sometimes wheels get squeaky because you just need new oil.  Being a camp counselor is damn hard.  The hours are ridiculous, the work is demanding, the day is never predictable.  Positive feedback shows counselors that their work is noticed, and receiving timely guidance and up-to-date schedules (Oh, the schedules!!) allows them to react to the ever-changing nature of camp.

You should not need to ask for approval for every action you take.  That is grossly inefficient, and allows for only minimal growth.  Great successes are possible only when you can make meaningful mistakes.

Recently, we did an earthquake drill.  I, being from New England, am not familiar with this kind of drill.  When they yelled "Duck & Cover!!!" I did not know what to do.  Even though I saw everyone fall to the ground, curl into a ball, and cover their neck, I did not do that.  I was frozen.  Even if someone came to me in that moment and physically made me do that action, I would have learned nothing.

After processing the experience, I realized I had gone into a very mild shock.  I realized I should learn the duck & cover drill so I am better prepared for the next drill (or real earthquake).  I talked to my supervisors, practiced it, and now am able to duck & cover successfully.  But I only learned I couldn't do it by being able to fail.  Fortunately, I was given the opportunity to realize what happened, and take my improvement into my own hands.  I owned my failure and the remedy.

I already see that drive for self-improvement in my staff.   They have been asking questions and are eager to learn new skills.  I feel I can trust them to make the best decision in the moment, even if we need to unpack a failure later.  I am excited to work with them for the next few weeks.

Insupportable mountains

Apologies for the late post.  I am at a summer camp.  I will probably be less punctual with posts than I have been until August.  But hopefully never again this late.

This week, we do something a little unconventional with our text.  We are reading two chapters, but they are not sequential.  We are skipping a chapter.  Why?

The first chapter is “The Muster of the Rohirrim.”  This chapter follows Theoden as he returns to Edoras to gather his troops.  The second chapter is “The Ride of the Rohirrim,” which is a pretty short chapter.  It tells of how the Rohirrim sneak around the siege of Gondor.  So far so sequential.  So what happens in the middle?

The middle chapter follows Pippin and Gandalf as the forces of Mordor begin the siege on Gondor.  It ends on a very somber note, and it very much seems like all is lost.  It is called, unsurprisingly, "The Siege of Gondor."

Changing the order means, rather than wondering if the Rohirrim will come, the question becomes:  What will happen when they do.  The chapter is not as hopeless as it once was.  But again, why the change?

Put simply, this kind of analysis doesn't lend itself well to suspense.  We know who is going to win, we know when tragedies and when triumphs will happen.  We know who lives and who dies.   If this story is analyzed for years upon years, the suspense is lost.  At no point in the reading of Exodus is there a question of if the Hebrews will be set freed.  Same with the story of Jesus.  While learning about their struggles yields many good answers, it does little to feign ignorance of the result.  Therefore, rather than read the "The Siege of Gondor" full of anxiety, we should read it knowing the Rohirrim are coming, which will color our analysis.  But that is next week.

This week, Merry again feels like baggage.  He despairs at his feeling of uselessness, and is overwhelmed.  The text says, "He loved mountains, or he had loved the thought of them marching on the edge of stories brought from far away; but now he was borne down by the insupportable weight of Middle Earth."

There are many things that are "better in theory than in practice."  Either the idea is better, or the idea is easier, or the idea is more enjoyable.  It is great to have a good idea, but sometimes a pain to have to implement it.  We've all had experiences like this.

I cannot find a source for this quote (I thought it was Truman Capote, but the internet will not confirm), but I will share it nonetheless.  "More tears are cried over dreams fulfilled than dreams unfulfilled."  The reason for this is an unfulfilled dream remains always 'in the ether.'  There's nothing real to judge it on.  It always goes as perfectly as you can imagine.

A dream, to be fulfilled, takes work and effort, and while we know this, sometimes the intensity of what that means can be unexpected.  And then what if, after all that work, the dream ends up not living up to your expectations.  Being a lawyer was more paperwork than justice, being a teacher was more standards than inspiration, being a singer/songwriter was more wrestling with labels than art.  Now you've put in all this time, gotten what you wanted, only to find you don't really want it.  Now what?  At least with an unfulfilled dream, you will (hopefully) figure out it isn't working and be able to move on.  But if you've pursued a career only to find it not what you wanted, that's the recipe for a midlife crisis!  There are more tears cried by those who are successful, only to find their life still lacking, than those who fail to succeed.  (Obviously there's a lot of privilege in that statement.  There's a difference between not being able to complete med school, but eventually moving on and finding success elsewhere, and not ever being able to make ends meet on minimum wage, and therefore not ever being able to succeed in something as basic as "stability.")

That's what Merry is feeling.  He's spent so long wanting to be out in the world, away from the Shire - but now that he's there, it's overwhelming.  He can't deal with it.  The reality of his dream is an "insupportable weight."

Howard Stern said, in starting a new project, there's nothing more exciting than the announcement.  Announcing a new project comes with lots of fanfare and celebration.  But then you have to...... do it.  And that's hard work.

It is easy to dream.  It is very easy to have an idea, and to fall in love with it.  It is harder to fulfill it.  It is harder to put in the hours, day after day and month after month, especially when results aren't obvious, or if there are setbacks.  It is harder to love them when they are becoming hard.  But the worst thing that can happen is when the results are not what we planned for; When the fruits of our labors are rotten.  This is what Merry is running into.

We will see what happens as Merry endures.  A rider named Dernhelm picks him up and offers to carry him with the troops to Minas Tirith.  While he is still baggage, at least he is moving somewhere.  Merry will soon have a chance to confront "the mountains" that intimidate him, and he will overcome them.

Perhaps, then, that is our comfort.  "Insupportable weight" is a passive term - an insupportable weight is also probably preventing you from moving, either forward or back.  Times get tough.  We can't always make the changes we want.  I am not saying you need to suffer, or that suffering makes you stronger, but sometimes there is no good action, so don't waste your energy struggling.  In those cases, when the mountains become overwhelming and insupportable weights, sometimes we need to endure, and be on the look out for opportunities for action.

What kind of friend are you?

This week, our text takes us from Minas Tirith back to Isengard, where the rest of the fractured Fellowship is.  This chapter is called "The Passing of the Grey Company." In it, Theoden readies his forces to return to Edoras, the capital of Rohan, where he has ordered that those lords loyal to him send their troops, "and there, I think," Aragorn tells his companions, "he will hear tidings of war, and the Riders of Rohan will go down to Minas Tirith.  But for myself, and any that will go with me..." "I for one!" Cried Legolas.  "And Gimli with him!" said the dwarf.

Merry asks that he not be left behind, but says he feels "like baggage," and isn't sure how he can help.  Aragorn advises him to stay close to Theoden, "Your road lies with him." For the time being though, the four of them will ride together with Theoden's men.  The text gives us this line.

"Soon all were ready to depart... with Gimli behind Legolas, and Merry in front of Aragorn."

What is the meaning of this set-up?  Why not Legolas in front of Gimli, and Merry in front of Aragorn?  Or Gimli behind Legolas, and Aragorn behind Merry?  What distinction is being made?

We've already discussed Gimli and Legolas' unlikely friendship.  They are equals among each other - Gimli reminds us later in the chapter that he and Legolas had a competition to see who could kill the most orcs at Helm's Deep (Gimli won).    For Legolas to let Gimli ride behind him is to invite him to join him.  Gimli does not ask to be brought on the horse in this way - he is too proud.  But Legolas offers it, saying they can speak to each other as they ride, and Gimli does not refuse.  Gimli will follow Legolas, if Legolas will lead him.

Compare this with Merry's position.  He is placed in front of Aragorn.  There has been no discussion of this, as with Gimli and Legolas.  It largely mirrors Gandalf taking Pippin.  Pippin often slept during Gandalf's ride to Minas Tirith.  He is very much "like baggage."

Later, the Riders are joined by the eponymous "Grey Company." They are Dunedain, like Aragorn, and come bearing news, gifts, and allegiance.  They spend much of the ride riding next to him and speaking with him.  There is no mention whatsoever of Merry, neither by the characters nor the Creative Wizard.  Merry is baggage.  Merry will go where Aragorn takes him.

While we can agree Merry is perhaps not getting the respect he deserves, we might understand Aragorn's point of view.  Aragorn is riding towards his destiny, to a great war, and to claim the throne.  These things are largely beyond the comprehension of Merry.  There's little reason for him to try, and little need for Aragorn to explain. 

Gimli and Legolas are close friends.  They are equals.  They have endured experiences together (And Aragorn with them - which accounts for Gimli and Legolas' eagerness to join him before he even explains his course).  Aragorn and Merry, largely, have not.  Even during the events of the first book, Merry's point of view is of one swept along, while Aragorn is the great driver.  After that, they've been largely separated.

Gimli and Legolas are the kinds of friends that we want to have in our lives.  They view each other as equals, worthy of each other's time, a pleasure to have along.  Aragorn does not see Merry in this way.  Merry is an errand and a duty.  That isn't meant to insult, but it certainly is not praise.

We've already discussed this, to a point.  Sometimes you can be friends with those around you, but sometimes you're cogs in their machine.  Objectively, neither is better than the other; they both have their uses.  Sometimes we form deep bonds, sometimes our bonds are only task-deep.

When I graduated college,  I found myself scrolling my Facebook friends and doing my first "purge."  Were those I were purging less friends than those who survived?  Not necessarily.  But our friendship was dependent on our proximity.  It did not go deeper than that.  Still, that doesn't mean our friendship had been fake.

Last year, I was fortunate to have two excellent mentors at my job.  I had a duty to them, they had a duty to me.  We became close, but that was because we worked together all the time.  It was difficult to know what would happen the following year, when they would no longer be my mentors.

This year, having graduated that program, I am now their colleague.  One of them I have remained close to, and perhaps gotten even closer with.  The other, not so much.  We have drifted apart.

Is that bad?  I'm not so sure.  I don't think it is good, either - but I'm not sure that's the point.  There are times when relationships end - friendly, professional, and romantic.  The problems arise when the people involved disagree that it is ending.  But sometimes, though you had many good times together, it is best to recognize that those times will not be repeated.  Of course, in some cases, "work friends" can endure long beyond the task.  But we also are familiar with the experience of someone trying to remain close to us when the reason we were so close has passed.  It's awkward.

There are many times when we need our friends.  Friends - true friends - are necessary to endure much in life.  But occasionally we have work friends, who are good companions in a task, but it doesn't extend much beyond that.  And that's fine.  Just make sure that those who are with you in this regard don't, like Merry, feel like baggage.  Everyone deserves to feel important.

Tower of Guard; Tower of the Sun

"If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

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I've tried to keep my topics varied.  However, the urgency of the situation, and the opportunity to discuss a usually taboo issue, cannot be ignored.  We must continue last week's conversation.  Also, again, the language I use is very hetero-normative.  Sorry, it's just the best way to focus the discussion...

This week we begin The Return of the King, the final book in our text.  Leaving Sam and Frodo, we return to where we left the other remnants of the Fellowship.  Gandalf, with Pippin in tow, rides to Minas Tirith, the capital city of Gondor, home of Boromir and Faramir, and the front line in the war against Mordor.  Once there, we learn a great deal about Minas Tirith, it's ruler Denethor (father of Boromir and Faramir), and those that will defend the city.  The chapter, appropriately enough, is titled "Minas Tirith."

When they arrive, Gandalf brings Pippin with him to see Denethor.  He tells him Denethor will want to know what happened to Boromir and. since Pippin was there when he died, he will have to give an account.  Gandalf gives Pippin many instructions on how to conduct himself, one of which is to not mention Aragorn.  Pippin wonders why, and Gandalf says, "It is scarcely wise when bringing the news of the death of his heir to a mighty lord to speak over much of the coming of one who will, if he comes, claim the kingship... If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

And so we return to rape culture, and what we can do to fight it.  Over the past week, this issue has gotten a lot of attention.  And a lot of push back.  And the push back has gotten some push back.  And it boils down, largely, to two hashtags (believe it or not!).  #YesAllWomen and #NotAllMen.  Let's expand those ideas.

#NotAllMen expresses the idea that, ahem, not all men are rapists.  As a result, any conversation about rape culture is void, because the very idea of a rape culture erroneously blames all men.  And, well, not all men are rapists.  The idea is that any discussion of rape culture draws a line connecting the many, many sexual assaults nationwide, but really these are really isolated incidents.

Contrasting this argument is #YesAllWomen, which says that while 20-25% of women are raped (or victims of attempted rape), all women feel the oppression of rape culture.  All women (Yes, all women) are leered at.  All women (Yes, all women) must deflect unwanted advances, often multiple times from the same person.  All women (Yes, all women) get hollered at.  It is myopic and ignorant, then, to call these "isolated incidents."

I understand the tension.  It feels unfair for men to be lumped together, especially with the worst ones.  Yet, it must feel hollow to the women for us to say "Yeah, well, that ain't me."  I am sure that those who are survivors were told the same thing by their attackers.  62-84% of women knew their attackers.  The stereotype of being attacked in a back alley by a stranger, or drugged in a dance club, is quite rare.  The attackers were people they thought they could trust.  But they couldn't.  And even if it is only 20-25% of the women, all women are aware of these stories and have to take precautions.  Better to be overcautious than become a survivor.  So this affects all women (Yes, all women).

But what about the men?  Not all men are like this.  Some might say, "It isn't fair to let a couple of bad apples ruin the harvest. I've had some bad girlfriends before and you don't see me hiding in a shell.  You need to trust the world a little, or else you'll be unhappy forever.  Not all men are like this."  And that's true.

And that's also irrelevant.  #NotAllMen takes the situation and flips it on its head.  Instead of "Yes, all women are affected by rape culture," it becomes "All men pay the consequences for the actions of a few, and that isn't fair."  And while it isn't fair, the situation isn't as simple as that.

On the one hand, women live in almost constant fear of being attacked.  Here'a quote from a fantastic article about this, written by a man. "I don't know about you [other men,] but I don't spend much of my life feeling vulnerable.  I've come to learn that women spend most of their social lives with ever-present, unavoidable feelings of vulnerability.  Stop and think about that."  Fairly or not, living with that kind of vulnerability makes one over-cautious.  It may penalize the men, but from the woman's point of view, better to penalize 1000 men by being too stingy than open oneself up to a dangerous situation.  How can we blame them?

On the other hand, men run the risk of being turned down.  And....... that's it.  And, as men, being rejected is part of dating and meeting the right person.  I've been rejected by dozens if not hundreds of women.  It is not, it is not, it is not comparable to being raped.  The differences are put most succinctly in this infograph.

There are other articles and infographs about this that I've been consuming throughout this week.  And certainly there are even more I haven't seen.  So far as I can determine, rape culture is a thing, and it affects #YesAllWomen.  Are all men part of it?  Yes, whether they intend to be or not.  It's a lot like white privilege.  You can benefit from it even if you don't intend to.  Once something becomes an institutional problem, it isn't enough to just ignore it.  You have to fight it, because even your apathy is harmful.  As one of those articles says,  "I [a male] had the privilege of ignoring the problem."  If you can ignore a problem without adverse affects, you are privileged by the current system.  Doing nothing, then, is impossible, for by even existing you benefit at the expense of others.  You must take action against it.

OK, I've banged that drum enough for one post.  The point is this: There are countless examples of rape culture, but you have to be willing to see them not as isolated incidents.  I only started this recently, and once I allowed myself to notice it, I have been seeing it everywhere.  Now that I see it, I can fight against it in ways that I know help my peers and my students, both male and female.  But in order to help, you must realize what is happening.  That is to say: "If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

Gandalf and Pippin enter Denethor's hall.  They learn that Denethor already knows of Boromir's death, and demands to know what they know.  Pippin tells him and then, suddenly overwhelmed by the sacrifice Boromir made, pledges his service to Denethor.  "Little service, no doubt, will so great a lord of Men think to find in a hobbit, a halfling from the northern Shire; yet such as it is, I will offer it, in payment of my debt."

When battling cultural problems, it is easy to despair.  It is easy to wonder what we can do against The System, against The Way It Is.  Especially when it feels like we already do our part, like so many men do (This is where, I think, #NotAllMen stems from - "But we already don't rape - what more do you want from us!").  As I mentioned before, when it comes to institutional problems, apathy isn't effective, and usually only enables the problem.  It doesn't matter that you don't rape if you let others do it.  It doesn't matter that you don't rape if you let others do it, and then point out that you don't rape as if you should get brownie points.  #NotAllMen rape, but #NotAllMen stand up to it, either.  Certainly not enough.

When my male high school students tell me they are frustrated because they are single and yet "I'm a nice guy!"  I ask what that means.  Their answers vary, but usually are some form of "Not racist, not cruel, not selfish," etc.  A lot of "not"s.  And while it's great to be not those things, it's sort of the bare minimum expected of people.  Especially if you want a relationship, you need to bring more to the table than just "not a bad person."  It's the same thing here.  Not raping is the minimum requirement.  Ideally, rather than standing outside rape culture, you should stand up to it.

So Pippin enters Denethor's service, and a soldier named Beregond is assigned to welcome him.  As Beregond tells him the history of the city and the conflict, he tells him this:  "This is no longer a bickering at the fords, raiding from Ithilien and from Anrien, ambushing and pillaging.  This is a great war long-planned, and we are but one piece in it..."

For a long time, the forces of Gondor held back Mordor.  A skirmish here, an ambush there, etc.  However, it has recently become clear that those attacks were not Mordor's full strength.  The battles were not meant to be won, but were part of a strategic plan.  They were not isolated incidents.

Such as it is with us.  To call all the instances of cat calling, leering, objectifying, assault, etc that so many women experience isolated incidents, to not acknowledge that this is a huge cultural problem, is foolish.  This is more than just several million women having individual experiences.  There is a connection.  There is a pattern.  This goes beyond Elliot Rodgers, or any one individual attacker.  This is a a huge problem in our society, and it affect all of us.  #YesAllOfUs.

During their earlier discussion, Denethor tells Gandalf that there is no higher concern in his mind than keeping Gondor defended.  Gandalf replies, "In that task you shall have all the help that you are pleased to ask for.  But I will say this, the rule of no realm is mine, neither of Gondor nor any other, great or small.  But all worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands, those are my care."

This isn't just about empowering the women in our lives.  This isn't about protecting those that are close to us.  When you do that, you're still viewing the problem as isolated incidents.  Certainly you should do what you can to make the women in your life feel safe (There's a friend of mine whom I walk to her car in the evening, for example), but that's ultimately a defensive move.  You can only defend one area at a time.  One raid, one ambush.  Better, instead, to make an effort to find what it is that make them feel vulnerable and address that.  Cat calling.  Men not taking no for an answer.  Lewd remarks.  These are the things we need to stop.

One of the weirdest moments of my life, a male friend of mine randomly texted me a cat call - something like "Hot damn!  You look good in those jeans."  He had texted it just to be funny, but I felt an intense feeling of vulnerability that I'll never forget.  I can't imagine what it's like to experience that feeling all the time.

Talk to the men in your life.  Talk to the boys in your life.  This isn't just about respecting women.  It's that about respecting people.  Would you tell a guy how his ass looks in those shorts?  Or how his shirt shows off his chest?  Then don't do it to girls.  It isn't "just giving a compliment!"  It's feeding the idea that their main value is in their looks.  And women are more than that.

This isn't about being nice and thoughtful, and one day a woman will recognize you as the great guy you are.  You don't earn a woman, and no woman is obligated to give you anything.  You shouldn't be nice and thoughtful so that a woman will like you.  You don't respect women because that's how you get a woman.  You respect women because they are people.

If you see someone acting misogynistically, don't walk away.  Don't assume someone else will stop them.  Don't assume it is OK.  Step in.  Do something.  #2, to show the woman she is not alone, but #1 to show the man that kind of behavior is intolerable.  Defending women does not change the culture in the way we want it to.  Instead, we need to convince those men who do it that it is not OK.  Yes, there will be some who cannot be convinced.  But most men, I have found, don't realize the impact of their actions.  They don't realize the atmosphere they are contributing to.  Once they do, they are eager to make amends and act more appropriately.  This is a doable thing.

But what's the title of this post got to do with anything?  Tower of Guard and Tower of the Sun?  What's that about?

Tower of Guard is what Minas Tirith translates into.  But that was not the original name of the city.  It used to be called Minas Anor, or Tower of the Sun.  But when Osgiliath fell, a city even closer to Mordor, Minas Anor became the next line of defense against Mordor.  They changed the name to Minas Tirith (Tower of Guard) reflects that change.

Our culture is now in "Tower of Guard" mode.  There's an onslaught of misogyny out there.  We have to be ready to turn our conversation towards it.  We have to keep talking about it.  The situation hurts us whether we notice it or not.  "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."  The problem isn't if we are winning or losing the battle, but that there is a battle at all.  But as long as there is, we need a Tower of Guard.

But hopefully, one day, this fight will be over, and we'll be able to call our world "Tower of the Sun," and bask in the glory of equality and freedom.