This week we read "The Muster of Rohan." In this chapter, Theoden rides through his kingdom gathering what forces he can to ride to Minas Tirith's aid. On his way he passes Edoras, where Eowyn has been organizing the return of the people. Aragorn has recently ridden through and left her - breaking her heart. Her despair is known to us, but none of the men around her. Theoden greets him when he arrives,
'And you, Eowyn,’ said The'oden, ‘is all well with you?’ ´ ‘All is well,’ she answered;
yet it seemed to Merry that her voice belied her, and he would have thought that she had
been weeping, if that could be believed of one so stern of face. ‘All is well.
It was a weary road for the people to take, torn suddenly from their homes. There
were hard words, for it is long since war has driven us from the green fields; but
there have been no evil deeds. All is now ordered, as you see. And your lodging
is prepared for you; for I have had full tidings of you
and knew the hour of your coming.’
Evil deeds and hard words seem to go hand-in-hand. "Genocide" is a hard word, and of course is an evil deed. Same with murder, hatred, war crime, violence, etc. Most evil deeds, of course, are also hard words. But this passage reminds us they can be separate.
Sometimes we must have hard woods in order to prevent evil deeds. It is important to speak truthfully when our friends are wrong. The word genocide, used well, can be used to prevent the deed. Whatever violence someone thinks some words can be, expressing them in order to prevent physical violence must be preferrable. But let's lower the stakes a bit.
As I write this I'm overhearing a conversation in the library between two people - the man is advising this woman on how to approach a stock broker who is recommending different investment opportunities. He is suggesting she ask if the agent has any interest in the stocks. She doesn't want to, and is worried about offending the agent. He's asking why would the agent be offended if there's nothing wrong? She is worried if she asks these questions she'll come across as untrusting. He's worried if she doesn't she will be open to being taken advantage of.
I think he is right in this case. It may be uncomfortable to ask, but if you're getting stock advice from someone who is paid by companies to sell their stock over other stock that's going to cause a lot worse than discomfort. You at least deserve to know. Hard words before taking the leap ensure you have more information, including that the person you asked seemed reluctant to answer or was forthright. We must live in the world as it is, which means we are responsible for doing what we can to protect ourselves.
Uncomfortable conversations are, obviously, uncomfortable. It is natural to want to protect ourselves from discomfort. But we've all experienced "keeping it inside." It doesn't feel good, it makes you madder, and nothing can get fixed that way. If you don't use the outlet of hard words, you may eventually resort to the outlet of evil deeds.
And evil deeds can feel good. We've all imagined doing the wrong thing as an outlet of our anger. Less of us have committed them - I hope. But doing evil deeds is, somehow, less uncomfortable than speaking hard words. Punching a NAZI feels better than engaging with one verbally. Cheating on your spouse is easier than telling them XYZ thing which has been weighing on you for a long time. But it's obviously cowardly, too. It's just avoidance.
Similarly it is cowardly to publicly call someone out rather than privately initiate a conversation to reach an understanding.
- It is cowardly to go to war without trying to find a resolution through other means.
- It is cowardly to exterminate another people rather than speak to them and search for connections and compromises.
- It is cowardly to quit a job without first talking to your boss about the problem.
But many of these can be flipped
- It is cowardly to accept peace at any cost, rather than wage a just war
- It is cowardly to seek connections and compromises with those who seek to exterminate you or your values
- It is cowardly to remain at a job forever because the reward of finding a better one comes with the risk of finding a worse one
Similarly: It is cowardly to avoid asking questions of a stock broker, and it is cowardly to hide conflict of interest from from your clients.
Obviously some things are simply better off avoided, and we don't need to solve or even confront every problem we run into. But we shouldn't pretend it isn't cowardly, either.
Let's lower the stakes again to something I at least run into at least once a week:
Being hesitant to offend people is a good impulse, and we should always try to be aware of other peoples feelings. But if the alternative is silence on an important issue, I think we're going too far. And if we're worried about offending someone because we think it will offend them, we should consider we're actually projecting our own worries on them, and preventing an opportunity for a really excellent, meaningful coversation.
Offending someone in the course of normal conversation, is almost always worth the risk. Obviously offending someone for the purpose of offending them is a different category of offense. But whatever peace you keep between the two of you by remaining silent is offset by the disruption which stirs within you. Maybe the disruption ends up being between you both; they may wonder why you didn't ask them about the elephant in the room.
Strong friendships are those where lines can be crossed, apologies can be offered, and lessons can be learned. You spend so much time together and must learn how to co-exist that eventually you do develop a strong bond because of those earlier conflicts. Whether its a friendship, a family, a club, a workplace or a neighborhood, this is true.
Of course, that conversation I overheard in the library was an example of hard words. He could have assumed she was simple for not asking a basic question about conflict of interest. She could have assumed he was nosy about everyone he worked with. But having the conversation allowed them to air their grievances and worries about the situation, and even if nothing changes about the outcome, they've avoided carrying on an additional burden within each of them, which could lead to distance, resentment, or both.
Avoiding the conflict of hard words leads to the conflict of evil deeds. The modern world offers us a lot of opportunities to retreat to communities and spaces which we know will meet our needs. This abundance of avoidance gives us less incentive to be flexible. We need more forced co-existence, where compromises must be made and a level of unhappiness must be expected. Perfection will encourage us to refuse reasonable outcomes. Give offense, take offense. Anyone who cannot bear it, like a stock broker who doesn't want to be asked about their own financial interest, is not an honest dealer. But you're not gonna find out by being polite. To quote a great teacher, "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" An ethical life is a curious one.
(I can't seem to imbed links in my usual way, and while I didn't have many for this post anyway, how could I overlook an opportunity for this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8jw_-Vh9Z0)
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