'Not a bird! ' said Sam mournfully.
`No, no birds,' said Gollum. `Nice birds! ' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste.
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This week we read "The Passage Of the Marshes." In it, Gollum carefully leads Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes, a stinking swamp filled with the dead faces of men, elves, and orcs. He has proven to be a good guide, and by the end they are very close to the Black Gate of Mordor.
This chapter has a lot of interaction between Sam and Gollum - sometimes Sam pities Gollum, sometimes he is suspicious of him, and other times he downright hates him. Sam and Gollum are quite different personalities and they are destined to conflict.
The above quote I think highlights a key difference between them. Sam misses the birds because of the sounds they make; they bring life to a place. A place with no birds is a lonely place. Gollum, meanwhile, misses birds only because he wants to eat them. Generally speaking, Gollum hates other creatures. He sees them only as something he can use to his advantage. Otherwise, they're just in the way.
Of course, we ought to be like Sam. But it can be difficult to appreciate beauty with so much pressure around us to be productive. Many of us see spare time as wasted time. Worse yet, spare time is when depression or OCD or other mental illnesses can spike. By being busy and viewing the world as a thing to use and be useful to we can occupy so much of our mental space that we don't leave room for anything else. It is a good defense. But that locked door works on everything. It keeps the demons at bay, but it also locks out the light.
We all have a Gollum and a Sam in each of us. A part of us that seeks out productivity and another that wants to appreciate. But they can easily come into conflict. I'm sure we've all reflected on a productive week and thought "I accomplished a lot of stuff but I don't think I enjoyed much of it." Like the characters in the book, these two parts of ourselves look at each other with distaste. In a story, that's good conflict. In a single person that can be toxic.
March was a very busy month for me. As an educator, March is usually dreadful. No vacation and no three day weekend, plus the weather is usually awful. I get run down and my students get run down, both of which require me to work harder to accomplish the same goals.
I was busy, and I usually I like being busy (Because, fortunately, I do like my job), but I also felt a bit out of control. I was doing well at my job but it wasn't "for me". It wasn't quite burnout, but I felt my job was taking over my life. I didn't have much free time to do what I wanted. What little free time I had needed to be dedicated to recovery, since I'd soon be back at work again.
Now it is April, and I am fortunate to have nearly two weeks off (Because Passover begins right as school vacation ends). I could stay home for two weeks, playing video games and board games and reading, but that's what I did during my free time in March. As I said, that was mostly recovery. It didn't feel good so much as therapeutic. It helped me cope with the busy-ness. But we should strive to not merely cope with life but to enjoy it.
So I've decided to do some hiking. It's a bit cold in April for hiking, but better than March, and if I don't do it now I'll have to wait until June for another break. Hopefully, being outdoors will give me a chance to appreciate life in a way I haven't been able to.
Unlike Sam and Gollum, there is a way for our two voices to live in harmony. Our Gollum can drive us to succeed and can remind us we sometimes must do unpleasant things to reach that success. Once our Gollum is sated, our Sam can help us enjoy what we have achieved, and revel in the success. Instead of running off too quickly for the next victory, we should take a break from the work. This better allows us to enjoy life. And then, when we're back to "the grind," we can know what we're working towards: Another moment of accomplishment and peace.
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