And then you show your breadth. An opportunity comes to show your fuller potential - and they are surprised. They laugh. They are shocked. They say something like, "Hey I thought you were _________, but actually you're more!" And you want to shout back that of course you are! I mean, if they're a full person, why can't you be, too?!
Or maybe the opportunity doesn't come. Maybe they live their whole lives thinking you are X, but in fact you are XYZ and ABC and so much more. Their loss - but also you want them to know. No one likes to be underappreciated.
This week's chapter - the first chapter of our text - is a transitional text. It takes those who may know our Creative Wizard only from The Hobbit and attempts to prepare them for the tale to come. From an adventure story with dragons and riddles and gold to a much more fraught journey of danger and darkness. For The Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins is an appropriate protagonist. Joyful, devious, cautious and clever, he is a hero befitting a children's story. But now things will get more serious. Bilbo exits the narrative, and Frodo becomes the central character.
This is done rather bluntly in the text. Much of the chapter occurs during Bilbo's birthday party (which is also Frodo's, though he doesn't seem to care as much) - a huge endeavor of food and invitations and fireworks. Towards the end, Bilbo gives a speech to the guests. Suddenly, he vanishes. The text says:
"Then there was a dead silence and, suddenly, after several deep
breaths, every Baggins, Boffin, Took, Brandybuck, Grubb,
Chubb, Burrows, Bolger, Bracegirdle, Brodhouse, Goodbody,
Hornblower and Proudfoot began to talk at once."
Bilbo then goes home and is confronted by Gandalf, who reprimands him for using the Ring for such a silly trick. Bilbo then leaves the Shire, as has been his plan, leaving all his possessions to Frodo. When Frodo goes home to look for Bilbo he finds Gandalf there instead, who confirms Bilbo has left the Shire. Gandalf then gives Frodo a warns Frodo of the Ring that he should, "keep it safe, keep it secret!" The true nature of the ring has not yet been discovered (though we know it is The One Ring). In the text it's all very mysterious. Frodo, certainly, does not know the danger of the story he is about to begin. We rarely do.
Look again at the text singled out above. It caught my eye because it is a rather clumsy long list of names. No fewer than 10 families of hobbits are named. This happens quite a few times in this chapter. The Creative Wizard could have said "many hobbits," but instead takes the time to name families. Even though they don't have much function in the narrative, their individuality is highlighted.
Think back to what I said earlier about being seen only as a part of your whole self. Now flip that. Who do we know as only a part of their whole self - and are glad for that? Baristas, gas station attendants, colleagues, online friends, supervisors, etc. These are full people with entire lives - of which we see only a small piece. We know how we feel when we are not fully appreciated. So we must admit we know how others feel when we do it to them.
But what can be done? We are busy. They are only a waitress at a restaurant we frequent. Or, more accurately, they are only a waitress to us. We intellectually realize they are a full person even as we only allow them to fulfill a certain role in our life (how often have you invited one of these people deeper int your life?). They remain, to us, only X.
And that's reasonable, I think. While there are problems with Dunbar's number, certainly there must be some upper limit of comprehensive relationships we can have with others. We cannot thoroughly know everybody.
But that shouldn't stop us from trying to know people at least a little better. Promote a familiar stranger to an acquaintance, and an acquaintance to a casual friend. Nod hello to the people you regularly see on your commute. Greet the custodians who work in your building. Get to know the people who frequent the same online spaces that you do. We tend to be surrounded by people much of the day but we still manage to feel frighteningly alone. The way that gets solved is through action. A change in habits and attitudes. And if we see others, they cannot help but to see us.
A simple way to begin is to learn the names of the service people you interact with regularly. You already are familiar with them, and they probably wear a name tag already. When you begin or end your interaction with them, say their name. Dale Carnegie says, "That a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language." Elevate them a little - show them you see them as individuals. They may even reciprocate. And while I don't think anyone will find their new best friend this way, you just might make the spaces you inhabit more welcoming and friendly, both for others and for yourself. And that, alone, is a worthy goal.
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