Who owns the problem?

This week's chapter is called "A Conspiracy Unmasked."  We have followed Frodo and his companions from Bag End to Buckland.  All along their path they were dogged by the Black Riders about whom we are told little, except that they are servants of the Enemy.  Clearly, evil is afoot, though its terror is in its mystery.  What are they and how can they be fought?  So a chapter titled "A Conspiracy Unmasked" would certainly seem to hint towards explaining their background.  But no.  Another conspiracy is unmasked.

Frodo arrives in his new home in Buckland, which Merry and Fredegar (Fatty Bolger) have prepared for him.  After the welcoming is through, Frodo confesses to his friends that he actually means to leave the Shire altogether, and that this move was a ruse.  Merry surprises Frodo by telling him that they know, but that they will not allow him to leave them.  Frodo persists that he must go.  "'You do not understand!' said Pippin.  You must go - and therefore we must, too.  Merry and I are coming with you.'"

So Frodo's company grows from 2 to 4.  The next step is to discuss how to move forward.  The 4 hobbits agree to go through the Old Forest (rather than on the road).  Fredegar objects, saying they will get lost and that it is as dangerous as the Black Riders.  The company disagrees.

"Well, do as you think is best!" Said Fredegar.  I am more afraid of the Old Forest than of anything I know about: the stories about it are a nightmare; but my vote hardly counts, as I am not going on the journey."

How many times have you been given advice by someone who isn't really involved in the situation?  That in itself is no bad thing.  It is always useful to get an outsider's perspective.  Someone who can see the situation without the tunnel vision of personal investment.  Seeking out that kind of 3rd party advice is key to successful decision making.

But it is a 3rd party.  They are not involved.  They don't have to do the thing they advise - you do.  That's where the phrase "easier said than done" comes from.  Someone might give you advice that absolutely addresses the problem, but isn't right for you.   More likely, they'll be making some assumptions that are incorrect because they have incomplete information.  That's the problem of 3rd party advice - they don't know all the nuance of the situation.  They know only what they've been told.  So they fill in the blanks themselves based on their own experience.

In this case Fatty Bolger, not being able to conceive of something more terrifying than the Old Forest, can't understand why anyone would go there.  "Black Riders" are just two words to him that he's been told should frighten him. The "Old Forest" conjures up so many nightmarish memories that he stops thinking rationally and reacts emotionally.  It's why people list "public speaking" as a fear worse than death.  They will have had some poor experience that turned them away from public speaking.  But the concept of death is beyond them, there isn't an emotional fear to it.  Even the way we deal with death - as a passing or eternal sleep - pacifies the fear we should feel about it.  But if you've had a bad experience speaking publicly, you are going to react to the possibility of doing it again emotionally.

As long as the Black Riders remain in Bolger's mind an idea he's never really encountered, he can never understand it.  His visceral fear of the Old Forest will always trump the fear he knows he should feel about the Black Riders.  Experience trumps knowledge.  In fact, experience blinds knowledge.  But that is for another day.

So though we turn to an outsider for their perspective, we must know that, by them being an outsider, their advice may be misleading, as they take their fears and experiences and hopes and superimpose them upon you.  Fortunately, when you are given advice by someone outside the situation, you are under no obligation to take it.  You should consider it, you should see if it shines new light on the situation, but you have the freedom to refuse.  You can always say no.

But this works both ways.  If you are giving advice to someone, understand that they can refuse your advice.  We can sometimes think: Oh no - they've come to me!  They must be at their wits end - who would come to me for advice??  I better be say something good, or else I'm going to get them into a world of hurt.  Or:

They have come to me - this is good.  I am wise and level-headed.  I can see the situation without bias and dole out a proper judgment.  If only they do what I say, they shall avert disaster.

No, you aren't.  Take the crown off your head.  Your advice likely isn't the only advice they're requesting.  Even if they haven't asked others, they've surely gone through a list of ideas in their head.  They know your idea isn't the only possibility.

As for the first person, you are not then responsible for the outcome.  Don't take the burden on and become a martyr.  They needed your advice precisely because you weren't part of the situation.  Don't now get involved.  But don't go the other way and say, as I've been told at times, "I don't want to give out bad advice - I don't want to steer you wrong."  To this I find myself thinking "I am not going to follow your advice word for word.  I just need another perspective, an outsider's perspective.  I'll evaluate what you say like I've evaluated all the other ideas I've  heard so far.  I've rejected all of them, so if your idea is truly awful, don't worry, I'll reject it, too."

For the second person, them asking you for advice doesn't put the mantel of responsibility on you.  They still own the problem.  Not you.  And they still own the solution.  And the aftermath.  They should hear what you say, since they asked, but they do not need to listen to it.  And if they don't listen to your advice and the situation gets worse, don't gloat over them that if they had only listened.  That kind of talk might make you feel better, but makes them feel much worse.  And they're probably already feeling pretty crappy.

When someone asks us for advice, we don't need to be as deferential as Fatty Bolger.  Our voice and opinion has value and we should demand it be seen as such.  But to force our idea upon them, to believe our advice is going to be their guiding light, that is where we can go wrong.  And so, the next time you give out advice, don't be shocked or upset when it isn't followed.  You only know the Old Forest.  But the recipient has traveled the Road and knows the Black Riders.  And, when that problem is solved, their journey goes on, even if your part ends.  What they choose to do has to take them beyond just that immediate danger.  It must get them to Mordor.

And only they can know how to go there.  It is their life.  Trust them to lead it well.