Insupportable mountains

Apologies for the late post.  I am at a summer camp.  I will probably be less punctual with posts than I have been until August.  But hopefully never again this late.

This week, we do something a little unconventional with our text.  We are reading two chapters, but they are not sequential.  We are skipping a chapter.  Why?

The first chapter is “The Muster of the Rohirrim.”  This chapter follows Theoden as he returns to Edoras to gather his troops.  The second chapter is “The Ride of the Rohirrim,” which is a pretty short chapter.  It tells of how the Rohirrim sneak around the siege of Gondor.  So far so sequential.  So what happens in the middle?

The middle chapter follows Pippin and Gandalf as the forces of Mordor begin the siege on Gondor.  It ends on a very somber note, and it very much seems like all is lost.  It is called, unsurprisingly, "The Siege of Gondor."

Changing the order means, rather than wondering if the Rohirrim will come, the question becomes:  What will happen when they do.  The chapter is not as hopeless as it once was.  But again, why the change?

Put simply, this kind of analysis doesn't lend itself well to suspense.  We know who is going to win, we know when tragedies and when triumphs will happen.  We know who lives and who dies.   If this story is analyzed for years upon years, the suspense is lost.  At no point in the reading of Exodus is there a question of if the Hebrews will be set freed.  Same with the story of Jesus.  While learning about their struggles yields many good answers, it does little to feign ignorance of the result.  Therefore, rather than read the "The Siege of Gondor" full of anxiety, we should read it knowing the Rohirrim are coming, which will color our analysis.  But that is next week.

This week, Merry again feels like baggage.  He despairs at his feeling of uselessness, and is overwhelmed.  The text says, "He loved mountains, or he had loved the thought of them marching on the edge of stories brought from far away; but now he was borne down by the insupportable weight of Middle Earth."

There are many things that are "better in theory than in practice."  Either the idea is better, or the idea is easier, or the idea is more enjoyable.  It is great to have a good idea, but sometimes a pain to have to implement it.  We've all had experiences like this.

I cannot find a source for this quote (I thought it was Truman Capote, but the internet will not confirm), but I will share it nonetheless.  "More tears are cried over dreams fulfilled than dreams unfulfilled."  The reason for this is an unfulfilled dream remains always 'in the ether.'  There's nothing real to judge it on.  It always goes as perfectly as you can imagine.

A dream, to be fulfilled, takes work and effort, and while we know this, sometimes the intensity of what that means can be unexpected.  And then what if, after all that work, the dream ends up not living up to your expectations.  Being a lawyer was more paperwork than justice, being a teacher was more standards than inspiration, being a singer/songwriter was more wrestling with labels than art.  Now you've put in all this time, gotten what you wanted, only to find you don't really want it.  Now what?  At least with an unfulfilled dream, you will (hopefully) figure out it isn't working and be able to move on.  But if you've pursued a career only to find it not what you wanted, that's the recipe for a midlife crisis!  There are more tears cried by those who are successful, only to find their life still lacking, than those who fail to succeed.  (Obviously there's a lot of privilege in that statement.  There's a difference between not being able to complete med school, but eventually moving on and finding success elsewhere, and not ever being able to make ends meet on minimum wage, and therefore not ever being able to succeed in something as basic as "stability.")

That's what Merry is feeling.  He's spent so long wanting to be out in the world, away from the Shire - but now that he's there, it's overwhelming.  He can't deal with it.  The reality of his dream is an "insupportable weight."

Howard Stern said, in starting a new project, there's nothing more exciting than the announcement.  Announcing a new project comes with lots of fanfare and celebration.  But then you have to...... do it.  And that's hard work.

It is easy to dream.  It is very easy to have an idea, and to fall in love with it.  It is harder to fulfill it.  It is harder to put in the hours, day after day and month after month, especially when results aren't obvious, or if there are setbacks.  It is harder to love them when they are becoming hard.  But the worst thing that can happen is when the results are not what we planned for; When the fruits of our labors are rotten.  This is what Merry is running into.

We will see what happens as Merry endures.  A rider named Dernhelm picks him up and offers to carry him with the troops to Minas Tirith.  While he is still baggage, at least he is moving somewhere.  Merry will soon have a chance to confront "the mountains" that intimidate him, and he will overcome them.

Perhaps, then, that is our comfort.  "Insupportable weight" is a passive term - an insupportable weight is also probably preventing you from moving, either forward or back.  Times get tough.  We can't always make the changes we want.  I am not saying you need to suffer, or that suffering makes you stronger, but sometimes there is no good action, so don't waste your energy struggling.  In those cases, when the mountains become overwhelming and insupportable weights, sometimes we need to endure, and be on the look out for opportunities for action.

What kind of friend are you?

This week, our text takes us from Minas Tirith back to Isengard, where the rest of the fractured Fellowship is.  This chapter is called "The Passing of the Grey Company." In it, Theoden readies his forces to return to Edoras, the capital of Rohan, where he has ordered that those lords loyal to him send their troops, "and there, I think," Aragorn tells his companions, "he will hear tidings of war, and the Riders of Rohan will go down to Minas Tirith.  But for myself, and any that will go with me..." "I for one!" Cried Legolas.  "And Gimli with him!" said the dwarf.

Merry asks that he not be left behind, but says he feels "like baggage," and isn't sure how he can help.  Aragorn advises him to stay close to Theoden, "Your road lies with him." For the time being though, the four of them will ride together with Theoden's men.  The text gives us this line.

"Soon all were ready to depart... with Gimli behind Legolas, and Merry in front of Aragorn."

What is the meaning of this set-up?  Why not Legolas in front of Gimli, and Merry in front of Aragorn?  Or Gimli behind Legolas, and Aragorn behind Merry?  What distinction is being made?

We've already discussed Gimli and Legolas' unlikely friendship.  They are equals among each other - Gimli reminds us later in the chapter that he and Legolas had a competition to see who could kill the most orcs at Helm's Deep (Gimli won).    For Legolas to let Gimli ride behind him is to invite him to join him.  Gimli does not ask to be brought on the horse in this way - he is too proud.  But Legolas offers it, saying they can speak to each other as they ride, and Gimli does not refuse.  Gimli will follow Legolas, if Legolas will lead him.

Compare this with Merry's position.  He is placed in front of Aragorn.  There has been no discussion of this, as with Gimli and Legolas.  It largely mirrors Gandalf taking Pippin.  Pippin often slept during Gandalf's ride to Minas Tirith.  He is very much "like baggage."

Later, the Riders are joined by the eponymous "Grey Company." They are Dunedain, like Aragorn, and come bearing news, gifts, and allegiance.  They spend much of the ride riding next to him and speaking with him.  There is no mention whatsoever of Merry, neither by the characters nor the Creative Wizard.  Merry is baggage.  Merry will go where Aragorn takes him.

While we can agree Merry is perhaps not getting the respect he deserves, we might understand Aragorn's point of view.  Aragorn is riding towards his destiny, to a great war, and to claim the throne.  These things are largely beyond the comprehension of Merry.  There's little reason for him to try, and little need for Aragorn to explain. 

Gimli and Legolas are close friends.  They are equals.  They have endured experiences together (And Aragorn with them - which accounts for Gimli and Legolas' eagerness to join him before he even explains his course).  Aragorn and Merry, largely, have not.  Even during the events of the first book, Merry's point of view is of one swept along, while Aragorn is the great driver.  After that, they've been largely separated.

Gimli and Legolas are the kinds of friends that we want to have in our lives.  They view each other as equals, worthy of each other's time, a pleasure to have along.  Aragorn does not see Merry in this way.  Merry is an errand and a duty.  That isn't meant to insult, but it certainly is not praise.

We've already discussed this, to a point.  Sometimes you can be friends with those around you, but sometimes you're cogs in their machine.  Objectively, neither is better than the other; they both have their uses.  Sometimes we form deep bonds, sometimes our bonds are only task-deep.

When I graduated college,  I found myself scrolling my Facebook friends and doing my first "purge."  Were those I were purging less friends than those who survived?  Not necessarily.  But our friendship was dependent on our proximity.  It did not go deeper than that.  Still, that doesn't mean our friendship had been fake.

Last year, I was fortunate to have two excellent mentors at my job.  I had a duty to them, they had a duty to me.  We became close, but that was because we worked together all the time.  It was difficult to know what would happen the following year, when they would no longer be my mentors.

This year, having graduated that program, I am now their colleague.  One of them I have remained close to, and perhaps gotten even closer with.  The other, not so much.  We have drifted apart.

Is that bad?  I'm not so sure.  I don't think it is good, either - but I'm not sure that's the point.  There are times when relationships end - friendly, professional, and romantic.  The problems arise when the people involved disagree that it is ending.  But sometimes, though you had many good times together, it is best to recognize that those times will not be repeated.  Of course, in some cases, "work friends" can endure long beyond the task.  But we also are familiar with the experience of someone trying to remain close to us when the reason we were so close has passed.  It's awkward.

There are many times when we need our friends.  Friends - true friends - are necessary to endure much in life.  But occasionally we have work friends, who are good companions in a task, but it doesn't extend much beyond that.  And that's fine.  Just make sure that those who are with you in this regard don't, like Merry, feel like baggage.  Everyone deserves to feel important.

Tower of Guard; Tower of the Sun

"If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

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I've tried to keep my topics varied.  However, the urgency of the situation, and the opportunity to discuss a usually taboo issue, cannot be ignored.  We must continue last week's conversation.  Also, again, the language I use is very hetero-normative.  Sorry, it's just the best way to focus the discussion...

This week we begin The Return of the King, the final book in our text.  Leaving Sam and Frodo, we return to where we left the other remnants of the Fellowship.  Gandalf, with Pippin in tow, rides to Minas Tirith, the capital city of Gondor, home of Boromir and Faramir, and the front line in the war against Mordor.  Once there, we learn a great deal about Minas Tirith, it's ruler Denethor (father of Boromir and Faramir), and those that will defend the city.  The chapter, appropriately enough, is titled "Minas Tirith."

When they arrive, Gandalf brings Pippin with him to see Denethor.  He tells him Denethor will want to know what happened to Boromir and. since Pippin was there when he died, he will have to give an account.  Gandalf gives Pippin many instructions on how to conduct himself, one of which is to not mention Aragorn.  Pippin wonders why, and Gandalf says, "It is scarcely wise when bringing the news of the death of his heir to a mighty lord to speak over much of the coming of one who will, if he comes, claim the kingship... If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

And so we return to rape culture, and what we can do to fight it.  Over the past week, this issue has gotten a lot of attention.  And a lot of push back.  And the push back has gotten some push back.  And it boils down, largely, to two hashtags (believe it or not!).  #YesAllWomen and #NotAllMen.  Let's expand those ideas.

#NotAllMen expresses the idea that, ahem, not all men are rapists.  As a result, any conversation about rape culture is void, because the very idea of a rape culture erroneously blames all men.  And, well, not all men are rapists.  The idea is that any discussion of rape culture draws a line connecting the many, many sexual assaults nationwide, but really these are really isolated incidents.

Contrasting this argument is #YesAllWomen, which says that while 20-25% of women are raped (or victims of attempted rape), all women feel the oppression of rape culture.  All women (Yes, all women) are leered at.  All women (Yes, all women) must deflect unwanted advances, often multiple times from the same person.  All women (Yes, all women) get hollered at.  It is myopic and ignorant, then, to call these "isolated incidents."

I understand the tension.  It feels unfair for men to be lumped together, especially with the worst ones.  Yet, it must feel hollow to the women for us to say "Yeah, well, that ain't me."  I am sure that those who are survivors were told the same thing by their attackers.  62-84% of women knew their attackers.  The stereotype of being attacked in a back alley by a stranger, or drugged in a dance club, is quite rare.  The attackers were people they thought they could trust.  But they couldn't.  And even if it is only 20-25% of the women, all women are aware of these stories and have to take precautions.  Better to be overcautious than become a survivor.  So this affects all women (Yes, all women).

But what about the men?  Not all men are like this.  Some might say, "It isn't fair to let a couple of bad apples ruin the harvest. I've had some bad girlfriends before and you don't see me hiding in a shell.  You need to trust the world a little, or else you'll be unhappy forever.  Not all men are like this."  And that's true.

And that's also irrelevant.  #NotAllMen takes the situation and flips it on its head.  Instead of "Yes, all women are affected by rape culture," it becomes "All men pay the consequences for the actions of a few, and that isn't fair."  And while it isn't fair, the situation isn't as simple as that.

On the one hand, women live in almost constant fear of being attacked.  Here'a quote from a fantastic article about this, written by a man. "I don't know about you [other men,] but I don't spend much of my life feeling vulnerable.  I've come to learn that women spend most of their social lives with ever-present, unavoidable feelings of vulnerability.  Stop and think about that."  Fairly or not, living with that kind of vulnerability makes one over-cautious.  It may penalize the men, but from the woman's point of view, better to penalize 1000 men by being too stingy than open oneself up to a dangerous situation.  How can we blame them?

On the other hand, men run the risk of being turned down.  And....... that's it.  And, as men, being rejected is part of dating and meeting the right person.  I've been rejected by dozens if not hundreds of women.  It is not, it is not, it is not comparable to being raped.  The differences are put most succinctly in this infograph.

There are other articles and infographs about this that I've been consuming throughout this week.  And certainly there are even more I haven't seen.  So far as I can determine, rape culture is a thing, and it affects #YesAllWomen.  Are all men part of it?  Yes, whether they intend to be or not.  It's a lot like white privilege.  You can benefit from it even if you don't intend to.  Once something becomes an institutional problem, it isn't enough to just ignore it.  You have to fight it, because even your apathy is harmful.  As one of those articles says,  "I [a male] had the privilege of ignoring the problem."  If you can ignore a problem without adverse affects, you are privileged by the current system.  Doing nothing, then, is impossible, for by even existing you benefit at the expense of others.  You must take action against it.

OK, I've banged that drum enough for one post.  The point is this: There are countless examples of rape culture, but you have to be willing to see them not as isolated incidents.  I only started this recently, and once I allowed myself to notice it, I have been seeing it everywhere.  Now that I see it, I can fight against it in ways that I know help my peers and my students, both male and female.  But in order to help, you must realize what is happening.  That is to say: "If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

Gandalf and Pippin enter Denethor's hall.  They learn that Denethor already knows of Boromir's death, and demands to know what they know.  Pippin tells him and then, suddenly overwhelmed by the sacrifice Boromir made, pledges his service to Denethor.  "Little service, no doubt, will so great a lord of Men think to find in a hobbit, a halfling from the northern Shire; yet such as it is, I will offer it, in payment of my debt."

When battling cultural problems, it is easy to despair.  It is easy to wonder what we can do against The System, against The Way It Is.  Especially when it feels like we already do our part, like so many men do (This is where, I think, #NotAllMen stems from - "But we already don't rape - what more do you want from us!").  As I mentioned before, when it comes to institutional problems, apathy isn't effective, and usually only enables the problem.  It doesn't matter that you don't rape if you let others do it.  It doesn't matter that you don't rape if you let others do it, and then point out that you don't rape as if you should get brownie points.  #NotAllMen rape, but #NotAllMen stand up to it, either.  Certainly not enough.

When my male high school students tell me they are frustrated because they are single and yet "I'm a nice guy!"  I ask what that means.  Their answers vary, but usually are some form of "Not racist, not cruel, not selfish," etc.  A lot of "not"s.  And while it's great to be not those things, it's sort of the bare minimum expected of people.  Especially if you want a relationship, you need to bring more to the table than just "not a bad person."  It's the same thing here.  Not raping is the minimum requirement.  Ideally, rather than standing outside rape culture, you should stand up to it.

So Pippin enters Denethor's service, and a soldier named Beregond is assigned to welcome him.  As Beregond tells him the history of the city and the conflict, he tells him this:  "This is no longer a bickering at the fords, raiding from Ithilien and from Anrien, ambushing and pillaging.  This is a great war long-planned, and we are but one piece in it..."

For a long time, the forces of Gondor held back Mordor.  A skirmish here, an ambush there, etc.  However, it has recently become clear that those attacks were not Mordor's full strength.  The battles were not meant to be won, but were part of a strategic plan.  They were not isolated incidents.

Such as it is with us.  To call all the instances of cat calling, leering, objectifying, assault, etc that so many women experience isolated incidents, to not acknowledge that this is a huge cultural problem, is foolish.  This is more than just several million women having individual experiences.  There is a connection.  There is a pattern.  This goes beyond Elliot Rodgers, or any one individual attacker.  This is a a huge problem in our society, and it affect all of us.  #YesAllOfUs.

During their earlier discussion, Denethor tells Gandalf that there is no higher concern in his mind than keeping Gondor defended.  Gandalf replies, "In that task you shall have all the help that you are pleased to ask for.  But I will say this, the rule of no realm is mine, neither of Gondor nor any other, great or small.  But all worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands, those are my care."

This isn't just about empowering the women in our lives.  This isn't about protecting those that are close to us.  When you do that, you're still viewing the problem as isolated incidents.  Certainly you should do what you can to make the women in your life feel safe (There's a friend of mine whom I walk to her car in the evening, for example), but that's ultimately a defensive move.  You can only defend one area at a time.  One raid, one ambush.  Better, instead, to make an effort to find what it is that make them feel vulnerable and address that.  Cat calling.  Men not taking no for an answer.  Lewd remarks.  These are the things we need to stop.

One of the weirdest moments of my life, a male friend of mine randomly texted me a cat call - something like "Hot damn!  You look good in those jeans."  He had texted it just to be funny, but I felt an intense feeling of vulnerability that I'll never forget.  I can't imagine what it's like to experience that feeling all the time.

Talk to the men in your life.  Talk to the boys in your life.  This isn't just about respecting women.  It's that about respecting people.  Would you tell a guy how his ass looks in those shorts?  Or how his shirt shows off his chest?  Then don't do it to girls.  It isn't "just giving a compliment!"  It's feeding the idea that their main value is in their looks.  And women are more than that.

This isn't about being nice and thoughtful, and one day a woman will recognize you as the great guy you are.  You don't earn a woman, and no woman is obligated to give you anything.  You shouldn't be nice and thoughtful so that a woman will like you.  You don't respect women because that's how you get a woman.  You respect women because they are people.

If you see someone acting misogynistically, don't walk away.  Don't assume someone else will stop them.  Don't assume it is OK.  Step in.  Do something.  #2, to show the woman she is not alone, but #1 to show the man that kind of behavior is intolerable.  Defending women does not change the culture in the way we want it to.  Instead, we need to convince those men who do it that it is not OK.  Yes, there will be some who cannot be convinced.  But most men, I have found, don't realize the impact of their actions.  They don't realize the atmosphere they are contributing to.  Once they do, they are eager to make amends and act more appropriately.  This is a doable thing.

But what's the title of this post got to do with anything?  Tower of Guard and Tower of the Sun?  What's that about?

Tower of Guard is what Minas Tirith translates into.  But that was not the original name of the city.  It used to be called Minas Anor, or Tower of the Sun.  But when Osgiliath fell, a city even closer to Mordor, Minas Anor became the next line of defense against Mordor.  They changed the name to Minas Tirith (Tower of Guard) reflects that change.

Our culture is now in "Tower of Guard" mode.  There's an onslaught of misogyny out there.  We have to be ready to turn our conversation towards it.  We have to keep talking about it.  The situation hurts us whether we notice it or not.  "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."  The problem isn't if we are winning or losing the battle, but that there is a battle at all.  But as long as there is, we need a Tower of Guard.

But hopefully, one day, this fight will be over, and we'll be able to call our world "Tower of the Sun," and bask in the glory of equality and freedom.

When Terrible Things Come

Trigger Warning:  Rape.  Also, not so much a trigger warning as a disclaimer, I'll be using quite a bit of hetero-normative language and ideas.  I know this topic affects many more people than heterosexuals, but in order to write something productive, I had to further specify my subject.  It's no coincidence this post wasn't published until Tuesday, instead of the usual Sunday.  This one took a while....



This week's chapter, the final in The Two Towers, is called "The Choices of Master Samwise."  The story picks up right where we left off - Gollum has retreated but Shelob has caught Frodo.  Sam attacks Shelob and defeats her.  Sam then goes to help Frodo, but finds him dead.  That's right - dead.  Sam mourns bitterly, but after a short time he realizes he can't just stay there.  He tries to think of what he can do.  The Creative Wizard paints a dark picture.

Now he tried to find strength to tear himself away and go on a lonely journey - for vengeance.

If once he could go, his anger would bear him down all the roads of the world,

pursuing, until he had him at last:  Gollum.  Then Gollum would die in a corner.  But that was

not what he had set out to do.  It would not be worth while to leave his master for that.

It would not bring him back.  Nothing would...

He looked on the bright point of the sword.  He thought of the places behind where
There was a black brink and an empty fall into nothingness.  There was no escape
that way.  That was to do nothing, not even time to grieve.  That was not
What he had set out to do.  "What am I to do, then?"

Sam ultimately decides to take the Ring, and to continue the Quest.  Of course he does.  He must.  Who would do differently in his shoes?  It is the right - it is the only thing - to do.

I'm not so sure it's that obvious.  Sam, who is usually very affected by emotions, has decided to leave his Master and to continue the Quest on his own.  "Though I do not know the way" is an understatement.  He puts his thoughts of vengeance and despair aside.  Could we, in similar situation?

Earlier this week, there was a shooting tragedy in Isla Vista, CA.  The motivation behind the killing, I think, is by far the most horrifying of those in recent years.  Here's an excerpt from one of the killer's videos:  "I'm 22 years old and still a virgin, never even kissed a girl.  And through college, 2 and a half years, more than that actually, I'm still a virgin.  It has been very torturous.  The popular kids, you never accepted me and now you will all pay for it.  Girls, all I ever wanted was to love you and be loved by you.  I wanted a girlfriend.  I wanted sex, love, affection, adoration."  He also wrote, in a separate document, "I will attack the very girls who represent everything I hate in the female gender:  The hottest sorority of UCSB."

No motive has ever been definitively prescribed to Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter.  The motive for the JCC shooting in Kansas was anti-Semitism, which while of course hateful, is also generally very impersonal.  It isn't about what the Jews did to me, but what they do to us.  Anti-Semites very rarely have personal motivations to hate - it's based largely on ideology.  But here, the motivation is very personal.  The killer, Elliot Rodgers, felt personally slighted.  He was denied "sex, love, affection, adoration."  Things he felt he deserved.

What right does he have in believing he is owed these things?  Well, a lot.  And it's difficult to blame him.  That obviously doesn't justify what he did, and I don't even mean to say he is, in fact, owed these things (He isn't).  But any uproar that is focused on Elliot Rodgers and not the larger picture of "Women as reward" is missing the point.  Elliot Rodgers might have acted extraordinarily terribly, but he isn't alone in thinking he is owed a hot girlfriend, and that wanting, but not receiving, is "torturous."  (As if women of the world have sex, love, affection, and adoration that they keep to themselves, purposely denying it to otherwise deserving men for the purpose of spiting them.)  I say he acted extraordinarily terribly because there is another, far more ordinary, terrible thing he could have done.  Rape.

20-25% of all women have been raped, or otherwise sexually assaulted.  The attacks fall under a similar category that this shooting spree does.  Man feels sex is owed.  Woman disagrees.  Man attacks to get what he feels is being wrongfully denied.  But unlike shootings, which is something our society is pretty comfortable talking about, rape is something that is socially hushed.  With no one willing to listen, is it surprising that the majority of rape victims blame themselves?  Here we are talking about 7 people who are dead.  But what about the millions of rape (and other types of sexual assault) victims?  They have to go on.

As a percentage, 20-25% of the female population is already pretty high.  But think of it in practice.  1/4 of your female friends, 1/4 of your female colleagues, 1/4 of your female Facebook friends, 1/4 of the women on the same bus as you, etc.  That number adds up quickly.  I've had roughly 12 girlfriends.  Statistically, that means 3 of them, either before or after our relationship, were attacked.  In truth, I know that number is much closer to 6.  That's half.

What do you do when you learn a woman close to you has been attacked?  And let's say you know the attacker?  Let's say you still see them sometimes?  Let's say you need to pin a medal on their shirt for extraordinary military service?  ((House of Cards spoiler!) Watch 9:46-11:50)

Do we, as Frank wants to - as Sam wants to - go for vengeance?  Teach that person a lesson and stand up for the integrity of a woman significant to us?  But, to take our text, "it would not bring [her integrity] back."  The attack happened.  It cannot be undone.

Despair soon follows.  One of those sites I shared says 30% of women who were raped contemplate suicide.  Obviously, that number is lower than the truth, because if some of those who contemplated suicide actually do it, the survey can't talk to them (and often the reason for suicide is muddled - and what an unhappy task it is to try to learn it).  The women despair.  And those close to them can despair, if it does not seem they are getting better.

The five stages of grief are well documented, and therefore can be used to help one in mourning.  Those stages can also apply to rape victims:

• Denial - "It wasn't rape, I wanted it, it didn't happen."
• Anger - "All men (or all people) are terrible", or perhaps the anger is directed inward, "you deserved this."
• Bargaining - This one doesn't quite fit, but perhaps the equivalent is the common response of becoming more promiscuous (As a way to recapture the total loss of control that was experience.  Wanting to go from no sexual control to the extreme opposite end).  (Edit:  Thanks to my friend Rae, for telling me of this coping method) Promiscuity can also be used as a way to devalue the event.  "If sex becomes an everyday thing, then that one bad night will blur into a series of mediocre one-night-stands, and I can move on and forget it, right?"
• Depression - "I am now worthless, despoiled, tainted."
• Acceptance - "it happened and it was awful but it is over".  Except that it can never really be over.  The scars - emotional and physical - will always be there.

But those around the survivors have to endure, too.  Did you watch that video from before?  Frank's anger is not uncommon.  The need for action can be very dominating.  As Will Smith once rapped, "Hate in your heart will consume you, too."  But it is difficult to just let it go.  Someone's integrity was violated.

And here we actually contribute to the very thing that we're trying to fight against.  We begin to confuse chivalry with fighting rape culture as a whole.  We begin to act as knights defending the defenseless instead of modern men who see women as equals.  We are fighting rape on its own terms, and in doing so we have defeated the very purpose we were trying to serve.  How?

The very idea that a woman's integrity is tied up in her virginity or sexual behavior is sexist, and lends itself quickly towards misogyny.  Men are not held to this standard.  A man can have sex with many woman and still be respected (In fact, he may be more respected)  Conversely, for men, virginity is usually a source of shame, as previous shown through the words of Elliot Rodgers.  For women virginity is, culturally, a source of pride.  They are pure.  For men to take a woman's virginity is a source of pride.  They have taken the purest thing.  For women, culturally, promiscuity is a negative.  When men have sex with many women, they are conquering many fields.  When women have sex with many men, they are letting themselves be pillaged.  There are lots of "old world" views that are evident in that language that we don't need to go into.  Rather than even buy into the idea that a woman's integrity can be harmed by sexual violence, why not transcend it?

"Living well is the best revenge" said someone who has never enjoyed a good action flick (George Herbert, who evidently is known for a number of sayings)  But our lives are not action flicks.  Action flicks end when peace is restored and life can return to normal.  Ideally, much of our life is lived in the "normal" times. Vengeance will not undo the crime.  Of course, I'm not saying legal action should not be taken when possible.  Sexual criminals should be tried and convicted whenever possible.  But that, too, is not an action flick.  Batman only exists in places where the courts cannot be trusted.  He is removed only when their credibility has returned.  Batman is a stopgap.  Hot-blooded revenge is a stopgap.

The quote I first pulled from our text repeats a line twice.  This is significant.  "That was not what he had set out to do."  Sam had not gone on the Quest to avenge Frodo's death, should he die.  Sam had not gone on the Quest to throw himself off a cliff in despair.  That was not what he had set out to do.  He had set out to destroy the Ring.

Sam takes the Ring for himself, and sets off out of Shelob's lair.  But as he begins his journey, he hears Orc voices, and sees Orcs going to where Frodo lays.  Sam puts the Ring on and follows them.  The text says, "He knew now where his place was and had been: at his master's side, though what he could do there was not clear."  In fact, Sam had never set out to destroy the Ring, but to accompany Frodo.  While it may not be the best thing for Middle Earth, the thing "he had set out to do" was to be at his master's side.  Living or dead.

Let's say you're in a romantic relationship with someone.  And you learn they are a survivor of sexual assault.  And you learn that this person is a family member.  And you learn that this person is someone who, up till now, you knew and liked.  What can you do?

Vengeance does nothing.  Vengeance only adds to the violence which you oppose.  Heroes hurt bad guys.  The cycle continues.  Despair?  No - that is self-destructive.  That is also no good.  So what can you do?

The answer is... kind of nothing.  But a very special kind of nothing.  (Obviously what I am going to say is not meant as general advice - there is no one size fits all answer to this.)  You must step back and ask yourself, "What did I set out to do?"  When you entered this relationship, did you intend on taking all the insults and injuries of your significant other upon yourself?  Did you begin dating them so you could fix the injustices in their life?  While that may be romantic, it isn't very practical.  I'd be very upset if my girlfriend learned that someone had wronged me in college and decided to hunt them down.  That isn't what I wanted. And that isn't why I shared that story.

Frodo is not dead.  Nor are our sisters (and brothers) who are victims of sexual violence.  Their integrity is not reduced.  Their value as a person is not reduced.  Their ability to provide - and their need for - "sex, love, adoration, affection" is not reduced.  They are still people who are alive.  "[Sam] knew now where his place was and had been: at his master's side, though what he could do there was not clear."  What can you do?  Very little.  You can't do anything to fix it.  You can't do anything to undo it.  You can't do anything to erase it.  But you can be there.  You can listen.  You can love.  You can accept the person as they are, and not insist on going on a crusade to right that wrong, for in doing so, you imply that they have become imperfect, until someone can save them from their past.  And you just can't do that.

Sam learns, as he returns to Frodo's side, that he is in fact still alive.  He was not dead - merely comatose by Shelob's poison.  Frodo lives!

The chapter ends in this way, "Frodo was alive, but taken by the enemy."  Such as it is with us.  Survivors of sexual attacks are still alive.  But they can only be 'taken' by the enemy if we keep the enemy forefront.  But in fact, our loved ones are alive, and have much more to give the world.  Rather than become fixated on their past, we should (after ensuring they have processed the event as healthily as possible, of course) help them build a new future.

The conversation continues here...

Magic in Middle Earth

This week’s chapter is called "Shelob’s Lair".  In this chapter, Sam and Frodo come to a tunnel.  As they approach it, the stench begins to overwhelm them.  However, they push on, and enter the cavern.  It becomes immediately clear that this cave is not simply a passage that Sauron has neglected to guard.  It has evils of its own.

Before we look into that, though, we should ask a larger question.  Middle Earth is often referred to as a magical place, but what kind of magic is it?  What counts as magic?  Are the Dwarves and Elves, by existing, proof of magic?  At the Mirror of Galadriel, Sam asked if they are going to see Elf-magic.  Galadriel responds, “This is what your folk call magic, I believe; though I do not understand clearly what they mean; and they seem also to use the same word for the deceits of the enemy.  But this, if you will, is the magic of Galadriel.” What is magic to the Hobbits is evidently not magic to the Elves.

Gandalf does not ever refer to himself as magical, either.  When he and the others approach Saruman, he advises them to be wary of his voice, but doesn’t actually call it 'magic'.  When Saruman tries to leave the discussion, Gandalf demands he returns – and he does.  He also breaks Saruman’s staff by verbal command.  This certainly seems magical, but would Gandalf, like Galadriel, also hesitate to use the word 'magic'? Is it simply "what your folk call magic"?

But it isn't just people.  The Caradhras prevented the Fellowship from crossing.  The Ring has a will of it’s own, and has given Gollum (and Bilbo) unnaturally long life.  The trees (and not just the ones in Fangorn) have emotions, and can lean to purposefully block the sun when they wish.  There was a moment in the previous chapter when Frodo laughed, and “Such a sound had been been heard in those places since Sauron came to Middle Earth.  To Sam suddenly it seemed as if all the stones were listening and the tall rocks leaning over them."

And still, there are many things the Creative Wizard hints at, but does not fully reveal.  Middle Earth is fantastical, and whether we call it magic is perhaps irrelevant.  There are powerful forces, all of them dangerous.

And so we return to Shelob’s Lair:

Here the air was still, stagnant, heavy, and sound fell dead.  They walked, as

it were, in a black vapor wrought of veritable darkness itself that,

as it was breathed, brought blindness not only to the eyes but to the mind, so that even

the memory of colors and of forms and of any light

faded out of thought.  Night had been, and always would be, and night was all.

But for a while they could still feel, and indeed the senses of their feet and fingers

at first seemed sharpened almost painfully… But after a time their senses

became duller, both touch and hearing seemed to grow numb... The breathlessness of the air was

growing as they climbed, and now they seemed often in the blind dark to sense some

resistance thicker than the foul air… And still the stench grew.  It grew, until almost it seemed to them

that smell was the only clear sense left to them, and that was for their torment…

Is this magic?  This is not just a dark cave - it is suffocating.  Sound is muffled, the air numbs the mind, all senses except smell are repressed.  Whether it is truly magic or not, it is surely not of this world.

They hear something approach from behind.  They begin to panic, when Sam has a vision of Galadriel giving her gifts to the Fellowship.  He reminds Frodo of the star glass.  Frodo says, partially quoting Galadriel "A light when all other lights go out!  And now indeed light alone can help us."

He draws the phial out and holds it up.  A brilliant light shows from it.  They see a monster with what the text says has thousands of eyes.  “No brightness so deadly had ever afflicted [those eyes] before.  From sun and moon and star they had been safe underground, but now a star had descended into the very Earth.”  Whoever said a star had been brought into the cave?

The monster flees the light, and they move forth with the Phial's light piercing the darkness.  They come upon a giant web, and Sam exclaims that the monster must be a spider.  Frodo uses Sting to cut the web (Sam's sword is no use against it).  They see the exit into Mordor.  "It seemed light in that dark land to his eyes that had passed through the den of night... Yet it seemed to Frodo that he looked upon a morning of sudden hope."  (I should mention that the first sentence of the chapter is, "It may indeed have been daytime now, as Gollum said, but the hobbits could see little difference, unless, perhaps, the heavy sky was less utterly black."  Mordor is not a land reached by the sun.  There is no morning of sudden hope, nor anything else good.)

There is much "what your folk call magic" here.  Sam's vision of Galadriel; that Shelob's web is only affected by Sting (An Elven blade - which Sam's is not); that he Phial of Galadriel would literally bring the light of a star to Earth.  And what of the suffocating nature of the cave?  So strong was it that, when Frodo found the exit, even the gloom of Mordor seemed bright and welcoming.

And there's Shelob, herself!  “There agelong she had dwelt, an evil thing in spider form."  She is not an evil spider.  Evil is not the adjective, it is the noun!  Shelob is evil, and happens to appear as a spider.  We get a brief history of Shelob, how she terrorized the old Elf kingdoms, and how she has inhabited Cirith Ungol even before Sauron made his throne in Mordor.  All spiders - "lesser broods" - are her descendants.  This is not just a servant of Sauron, nor a wild monster like the Watcher in the Water.  Even the Balrog that Gandalf battled is less historied.  Shelob is an evil, ancient and beastial.

The magic in Middle Earth is mysterious.  Our text does not seek to explain it, generally because those who use it don't really consider it magic.  I am reminded of a quote by Arthur C. Clarke, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."  Certainly someone unfamiliar with our technology might think our phones are magic.  Even the idea of a light switch could be mind-blowing.  The only reason it doesn't surprise us is because we're used to it.

We call what happens in Middle Earth magic because it is unusual to us.  But to them it is not.  Galadriel knows how the mirror works, as we know how a light switch works.  But when Saruman uses what is essentially gunpowder at the battle of Helm's Deep, Aragorn calls it "Devilry of Saruman."  But, to us, gunpowder isn't any kind of Devilry. 

Middle Earth seems very magical, but perhaps it is better to say it just works differently.  From our vantage point, it is magic.  But from those who understand, it is a skill like any other.  Sometimes we see someone do something with such skill we wonder how they got so good, and our minds attribute it to magic because that is easier.  But then there are times when we practice, we hone our style, we examine our work and tweak it and try it again, and examine our work and tweak it again and try it again again.  And then after days, weeks, months of preparation, we show our skill to someone, and all they can say "Wow, that's really good!  You have a gift." The only gift we had was the desire and dedication to the work necessary to get better.

And yet, I wonder if those we said were gifted felt similarly dismissed.  No doubt they also worked hard to achieve their skill.  As maybe Galadriel did, as maybe Gandalf did.  Maybe Shelob worked to create that suffocating darkness.  And so "what your folk call magic" is just a comment of ignorance.  If they understood, they wouldn't call it that.

We should, when we see someone do something amazing, try to imagine the work they had to put in to achieve that success.  In this way we can make what is sometimes seen as "a gift" to some people instead accessible to everyone.  Provided you're willing to work at it.

Balancing productivity and happiness

"Don't the great tales never end?"
"No, they never end," said Frodo, "But the people in them come, and go when their part's ended."

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I have goals in my life.  I've got to-do lists and habits I want to develop (or get rid of).  I have people I am close with, and people I stay away from.  There are conflicts and moments of victory (or defeat).  My life is a story - my story.  It began when I was born and will end when I die.  That will be that.  "The ups and downs of Alex Maslow."  Something like that.  And so I go.

But the world will go on!  I'm not the only person who exists, and far from the most important.  But even the most important people die, and the world turns on.  When Martin Luther King Jr, one of the most important individuals of the civil rights movement, died the struggle had to go on.  As we repeat so often, he did not live to see the fulfillment of his dream.  As important as we might be, the world is larger than ourselves.  It will go on.

This week is another double portion, "Journey to the Crossroads" & "The Stairs of Cirith Ungol". Faramir releases Frodo and Sam and Gollum back into the wilderness, and their journey continues.  They eventually reach Gollum guides them to a hidden stair carved into a cliff.  At the top they see a tower, Cirith Ungol.  Sam rebukes Gollum, because Gollum said his "other way" would be unwatched.  Gollum tells him it is the least watched way into Mordor.  The Hobbits sit down to rest after their climb.  As they eat some of their supplies, Sam and Frodo have a strangely self-aware conversation.  Not self-aware about themselves as characters, as we have seen they are indeed quite self-aware.  Instead, they ponder that they might one day become characters in stories.

Their conversation is quite long, so I will only summarize.  Sam remarks at their fate, and that if they had known the Quest would have been this unpleasant they might have passed it off.  Frodo tells him folks in great tales never know how their story will end, and that, as a reader, you wouldn't want them to.  Sam wonders what kind of story they're in, and how it will end.  He says:

"I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk

 of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them,

because they were exciting and life was a bit dull...

but that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered.  Folk seem to have been

just landed in them...  Why, even Gollum might be good in a tale,

better than he is to have by you, anyway."

It's a unique moment of self-awareness because, of course, Sam and Frodo are in a story, and in a very well known one.  Up to now, Sam has been focused on protecting his life and Frodo's.  The Ring is a Quest.  That's all.  Once it's destroyed, they can return to their old lives in the Shire.  Even Frodo, grim and determined though he is, is self-centered.  It is his task, and people are depending on him, and he must get it done.  But that's a very narrow view.  He isn't destroying the Ring so he can be rid of it.  He's destroying the Ring so the whole world is rid of it.  If he dies in the trying, but it still gets done, he would not be seen as a failure.  Indeed, he has already contributed greatly to the effort!

The quote at the top comes a little later, when Sam realizes the Phial of Galadriel must be connected with the Silmarils, which are ancient artifacts.  "Don't the great tales never end?".  Frodo responds: "No, they never end.  But the people in them come, and go when their part's ended."

Working with children, it is very easy for me to see in my everyday life how the world is bigger than my own story, and that to some I am a big part and to others I am a passing face.  My story is very important to me.  But not really anyone else.  Similarly, their stories are of varying interest to me.  I know some of my co-workers have families of their own.  I know some of them go out in the evenings and hang out with their friends.  I know it, but I don't really care.  As long as it isn't illegal or self-destructive, it doesn't affect me.  The only thing about my coworkers that matters to me, above all else, is how good they are at their jobs.  And similarly, that's all that should matter to them about me.

Conversely, as for my friends, I just want them to be happy.  I don't really care what it is they do with their time, so long as it makes them happy (and preferably isn't illegal or self-destructive).  We make allowances for our friends we wouldn't make for co-workers, because the goal is happiness, not productivity.

However, as important as it is to ensure people are happy (happy people are also more productive), happiness is far more fleeting than productivity.  Here's a question I just realized I've never asked:  Was Martin Luther King Jr happy?  What about Ghandi?  Or Eleanor Roosevelt?  Or Winston Churchill?  I've never asked it because, well, it's not really relevant to their legacy.  I suppose I hope they were happy, but it doesn't really matter.  Is Barack Obama happy as president?  I really don't care - I'd much rather he be productive as president.  But I also don't want him to be miserable.

It's a lot to balance.  We want to be happy, but will anyone remember us if we are only happy?  We want to be productive, but not if it drives us to misery.  But our happiness affects a very small circle of people - our productivity can affect so much more.  Even if we seem like a very small part of things, add it all up and the human race becomes a great tapestry.

So, do the great tales never end?  No!  Humanity was here before we arrived, and it will end after we go.  And on the one hand we deserve joy and happiness and fulfillment, and on the other we owe those who came before us (who have provided so much) that we continue to produce and provide for those who come after us.

So what's the takeaway?  I think it is to keep these two sayings in your head.  "The world has been created, and you may enjoy its bounty," & "The world is not yet finished, and your work is required."  I don't know which reminder you need right now, and it is likely, in a few weeks, you'll need the other reminder.  I can't give your life balance, but I can give you the tools to help you find it.

It is fitting that this post comes out on Mother's Day.  There isn't much that (usually and hopefully) fits the ticket of being both a source of great stress and a source of great joy than motherhood.  Something where the contribution to the human race is so obvious (another member!).  Every great person has a mother we can also thank - not just for making a baby, but for raising and caring for and loving it (of course, this is ideally - there are those without, and there are those who did great things in spite of that lacking).

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.  To the mothers of the world, thank you for all your hard work and care - the world owes you a great debt.

A worker, not a slave

This week's chapter is called "The Forbidden Pool." In it, Frodo is woken in the middle of the night by Faramir.  Faramir brings him to a ledge, at the bottom of which is the titular pool.  He points out a creature in the pool, and tells Frodo the trespasser cannot be allowed to live.  Frodo recognizes the creature as Gollum and begs Faramir to let him go down and talk to Gollum.  Faramir allows this, and Frodo descends down a winding path.

As he does, he hears Gollum talking to himself.  "Frodo shivered, listening with pity and disgust.  He wished it would stop, and that he never need hear that voice again.  Anborn [one of Faramir's men] was not far behind.  He could creep back and ask him to get the huntsmen to shoot.  They would probably get close enough, while Gollum was gorging and off his guard.  Only one true shot, and Frodo would be rid of the miserable voice forever.  But no, Gollum had a claim on him now.  The servant has a claim on the master for service."  Frodo feels he owes something to Gollum.

What does a master owe a servant?  It's pretty obvious that the servant owes the master something.  He is the servant.  This is easily applied to our own time if one were to change "servant" to employee and "master" to employer.  If you are an employee, you have a job to do.  You are being paid to do that job.  Therefore, you owe your employer a job well done.

"Hell, you're lucky to even have a job.  Do you know how many people would be happy to take your job - and at half your wages?  You better pull your weight around here and show some gratitude once in a while.  Do you know how difficult it is to supervise you and your colleagues?  You only have your own little task to mind - I need to ensure EVERY task around here gets done, preferably under budget!  We have shareholders to report to!!"

It's obvious that the above is caricature.  Employers should not act this way.  Employers are not exempt from responsibility.  They owe many things to their employees, morally if not legally.  8 hour work days, weekends (or at least regular, unpaid, days off), paid time off, health benefits, a clean work environment, a work environment devoid of hate and discrimination, etc.

I have held many supervisory roles throughout my career, and one thing I think I owe my staff is fair treatment.  I may have favorites, and I may have friends that are on my staff, or I may have people on my staff I actively dislike.  But if there is some sort of conflict, I try to forget all those things and evaluate the situation on its face.  I have favorites, but I don't PLAY favorites.  If I want my staff to give me their best work, regardless of personal feelings, then I owe them fair arbitration, regardless of personal feelings.

This also comes into effect in my work with kids.  Friday I was teaching some students how to swing a bat.  I had explained to them how, before doing anything else, one must look around to make sure no one is around who might get hit.  After explaining this, another student joined us.  I handed him the bat, showed him how to swing, and then started to walk away so he could try.  However, he swung as soon as I was behind him, and he hit my elbow.

And while it hurt, I wasn't angry at him.  As soon as it happened I realized I had not set him up for success.  This isn't to say getting hit with the bat was my own fault.  It was, in fact, his fault.  He should have looked around.  However, no one had told him this.  So it's kind of unreasonable to expect him to just *know* that.  I was hurt, he took responsibility and apologized, and that was that.

Yes, if you are employed you owe your employer a job well done.  But there are some people who take this to an extreme, who let themselves get exploited.  I don't mean slaves or the working poor or people with limited choices who are actually being exploited.  I mean my educated peers who have jobs and don't like them but don't make an effort to change because "I'm lucky to have a job.  I could be a kidnapped Nigerian girl who just wanted an education and won't you please sign this petition because this is horrifying and please let's use our voices to help these silenced girls be heard."  Sorry - I got a little carried away there.

But as we owe our employers a job well done, we can also have certain expectations.  We can expect our employers to not overwork us (And have the right to protest if they do).  We can expect our employers to respect the fact we need time off to deal with personal issues (And have the right to protest if they do not).  The good news is, and perhaps what I will say here is colored by my lucky personal history, most employers will do that, if you tell them ahead of time and help them cover their needs while you're away.  You owe your employer a job well done - but not your soul and your happiness.

Frodo, in this chapter, again shows maturity and responsibility.  Even though he despises Gollum, and even though he has the means to get him killed, he knows Gollum swore an oath, and that Frodo has a part in honoring that oath.  Gollum swore to help Frodo, but he did not swear to put his life in Frodo's hands.

When we are servants, we would be fortunate to have masters as mindful as Frodo.  When we are masters, we should strive to see our servants as more than just tools, but as people who deserve our respect.

But seriously.  This Nigerian event is a tragedy, and you should sign the petition.