Gandalf said: ‘Many folk like to know beforehand what is to be set on the table; but those who have laboured to prepare the feast like to keep their secret; for wonder makes the words of praise louder.’
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This week we read "The Steward and the King." Our heroes return to Minas Tirith, victorious against Sauron. Aragorn is crowned king and Faramir surrenders stewardship. It has a future.
Look again at the quote this post opened with. After his coronation Aragorn asks the Fellowship to remain in Minas Tirith a little longer. No one is sure why, and Aragorn will not explain. Gandalf, when prodded by the hobbits, gives the above answer - which isn't much of an answer at all.
Surprises sure are fun to plan. It's fun imagining the other person's reaction. What will they say when they unwrap your gift? Oh, how they'll cheer when everyone jumps from behind the furniture and shouts surprise. There's joy in the anticipation of the receipt. What could have been a regular event becomes elevated when revealed all at once. Surprises are thrilling.
But not all thrills are good. Some people find surprises anxiety-inducing. Being driven to a secret location for a date or coming home to find dozens of friends and family inside ready to party may put some people off in a major way. What was intended as a good experience becomes a bad one instead.
And then there's just curiosity. When one is keeping a secret, weird behavior is inevitable. The person will want to know why you're being weird. "Why can't we go back to my place until 6:15?" Anticipation can turn to suspicion. And how can we expect someone who's suspicious to then enjoy a surprise?
Like most things in life, the answer lies in knowing your audience. If you want to surprise someone you know has anxiety, ask them their comfort level far in advance. If you ask them a few days before you plan to surprise them, they may feel pressured into saying yes. You also won't have much time to adjust your plan. You also will have given away the surprise!! So ask them well in advance. "Hey, it's your birthday in a few months. I'd like to surprise you. What kind of surprises would you be OK with?" A few months notice lets them know you will take what they say into account, but it also gives them time to forget you had the conversation so that they can still actually be surprised.
But there are those who, once you open that Pandora's box, will never be able to stop thinking about it. Is *this* the day of the surprise? They'll think about it every day, and when it finally happens they aren't excited, but instead relieved it's finally here.
For those you should be more explicit. "We're throwing you party on Saturday, but I won't tell you the theme," or "Hey tomorrow we're going on a date but I'm not telling you where except that it's near the ocean." This gives recipient some parameters of expectation while still leaving some room for surprise. Done correctly, this can even be used to increase good anticipation.
A key aspect of an ethical life is treating people as individuals. While we may want to "prepare the feast" in secret, surely the goal of any surprise is the joy of the recipient. What good is your surprise if it kicks their anxiety into overdrive and makes them suspicious or nervous? The surprise should be about the other person's enjoyment, not the thrill you get from keeping them in the dark.
At the end of the chapter we learn what Aragorn has been waiting for - Arwen, Elrond's daughter -was coming so the two could be married. And Aragorn, I suspect along with many celebrities and politicians, wanted his friends present at the wedding among the crowds and 'official' guest list. There is probably something worth saying that the Elves are both leaving Middle Earth and becoming part of Gondor's bloodline, but that discussion is for another time.
Surprises sure are fun to plan. It's fun imagining the other person's reaction. What will they say when they unwrap your gift? Oh, how they'll cheer when everyone jumps from behind the furniture and shouts surprise. There's joy in the anticipation of the receipt. What could have been a regular event becomes elevated when revealed all at once. Surprises are thrilling.
But not all thrills are good. Some people find surprises anxiety-inducing. Being driven to a secret location for a date or coming home to find dozens of friends and family inside ready to party may put some people off in a major way. What was intended as a good experience becomes a bad one instead.
And then there's just curiosity. When one is keeping a secret, weird behavior is inevitable. The person will want to know why you're being weird. "Why can't we go back to my place until 6:15?" Anticipation can turn to suspicion. And how can we expect someone who's suspicious to then enjoy a surprise?
Like most things in life, the answer lies in knowing your audience. If you want to surprise someone you know has anxiety, ask them their comfort level far in advance. If you ask them a few days before you plan to surprise them, they may feel pressured into saying yes. You also won't have much time to adjust your plan. You also will have given away the surprise!! So ask them well in advance. "Hey, it's your birthday in a few months. I'd like to surprise you. What kind of surprises would you be OK with?" A few months notice lets them know you will take what they say into account, but it also gives them time to forget you had the conversation so that they can still actually be surprised.
But there are those who, once you open that Pandora's box, will never be able to stop thinking about it. Is *this* the day of the surprise? They'll think about it every day, and when it finally happens they aren't excited, but instead relieved it's finally here.
For those you should be more explicit. "We're throwing you party on Saturday, but I won't tell you the theme," or "Hey tomorrow we're going on a date but I'm not telling you where except that it's near the ocean." This gives recipient some parameters of expectation while still leaving some room for surprise. Done correctly, this can even be used to increase good anticipation.
A key aspect of an ethical life is treating people as individuals. While we may want to "prepare the feast" in secret, surely the goal of any surprise is the joy of the recipient. What good is your surprise if it kicks their anxiety into overdrive and makes them suspicious or nervous? The surprise should be about the other person's enjoyment, not the thrill you get from keeping them in the dark.
At the end of the chapter we learn what Aragorn has been waiting for - Arwen, Elrond's daughter -was coming so the two could be married. And Aragorn, I suspect along with many celebrities and politicians, wanted his friends present at the wedding among the crowds and 'official' guest list. There is probably something worth saying that the Elves are both leaving Middle Earth and becoming part of Gondor's bloodline, but that discussion is for another time.
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