Gimli & Legolas: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Why are we friends with our friends?  When did we go from mere acquaintances to friends?  How did that happened?

This week’s chapter is called “The Mirror of Galadriel.”  The Fellowship is now safe in Lothlorien, and taking some time to rest and recover from their travels.  While most of the Fellowship stay together, Legolas often goes off to visit with the Elves.  But he doesn't go alone.  “Often he took Gimli with him when he went abroad in the land, and the others wondered at this change.”

Gimli and Legolas have, until now, been very unfriendly towards each other.  Now suddenly Legolas is reaching out to him, and they are becoming friends.  In the previous chapter, when Gimli needed to be blindfold and Aragorn said the whole Company would be blindfold, Legolas complains it is unfair, because he is an Elf, and shouldn’t need to endure such treatment in an Elf-realm.

But now they’re friends.

I’ve recently been thinking about friendship.  Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?  After all, it used to be we were good at making friends – or at least talking to new people and trying.  And while I can make new friends, I’m not sure I’ll ever replace the spot I have in my heart for my high school or college friends.

But why is that?  The only reason those people are my friends is an accident of proximity, right.  I didn’t necessarily have anything else in common with them.  What if I had gone to UNH instead of UMass?  I would have made friends there, and while I would have missed out on great friendships, maybe I’d make greater ones.  It makes my choice of college seem very replaceable.  I would have learned and made friends in either case.  So what’s the difference?

I think back to Brittany, the last person I made an organic friendship with.  What happened?  We met at a beach party and bonded over our love of adventure – we traded stories.  The next day we went to downtown LA and had an adventure of our own together – we spent the whole weekend like that!  We bonded through that time.  No we don't have to just trade stories; we have stories together.  But who else have I bonded with in a similar way?

I don’t know – Moishe house maybe.  But that wasn’t organic.  I went there to meet people – I went to Venice Beach just to get out of the house.  I would have chalked Venice Beach a success even if I hadn’t met Brit.  But at Moishe house, friendship felt like the goal.  And friendship, while an excellent thing, makes for a crappy goal.

A goal has an end-point.  You set it, you make your way towards it, then you achieve it.  Having been achieved, it is done.  But that’s not how friendship works – friendships are always in flux.  I have 4 college friends I really try to keep up with – and to varying degrees.  I can admit I’m closer to some and further from others, but they’re still *friends.*  And I still need to work on keeping those connections.  Same with my high school friends – in fact even more so with them.  I talk to them rarely when I’m living on the West Coast – but when I’m back it is like old times (and then we have some new ones). 

But it is more than what I said before – it is more than just proximity.  We became friends in grade school because we lived nearby, liked the same things, and shared in some key experiences.  In college, we worked together, liked the same things, and shared in some key experiences.  Proximity is part of it, but there were maybe 30 kids in my 5^th grade class, 90 in 8^th grade and 200 in high school (Totally guessing in all those cases, but you get the point).  I had a choice.  I chose these people.  And was lucky enough that they chose me.

Legolas and Gimli have shared some experiences together.  They have fought side by side and both revere their own personal history.  They’re very much alike.  Once they get over their racial difference, they’re able to become friends.  But still – friendship is not the goal: the Quest is.  Making a friend is not a valid goal by itself.  Since shared experiences are necessary, you need to have something else in mind.  You need something to do together.  Like Brit and I wandering the streets of L.A.

I’m still not sure when acquaintances become friends.  It’s a tough line to draw.  Sometimes we meet someone and immediately have that “Where have you been my whole life?” moment.  Sometimes it takes time.  Sometimes we meet someone and will never make the jump from acquaintance to friend.  It’s hard to say.

And I think that’s the point, here.  The line above kind of comes out of nowhere.  They were distant, but then they became close.  It’s hard to pinpoint when and how that happened.  Just like in real friendships, it is hard to precisely say when one becomes friends.

The lesson of this chapter, then, isn’t to make more friends, or to forgive racial divides, or to welcome others into your home, or really to do anything.  The point here is to realize that making friends takes time, and it’s hard to say when you become friends.  After all – it isn’t a good goal.  It is a by-product of experiences.  With every one of my good friends, I can think of at least one experience we shared together.  This tells me, in my struggle to make new friends, that I need to seek out experiences.  Maybe that's hiking, maybe that's laser tag, maybe that's gaming, but we can go even simpler.  Going to a bar?  Maybe not.  But going to a bar and competing in Trivia nights?  Hell yes!

And then one day I’ll look back on these experiences, realize I’ve made some new friends during them, and wonder at the change.